Brotha's Talk about their Biggest Turn Off's

You know you want to watch it! Some of you ladies may be folding your arms, saying "I don't care what their biggest turn off's are, what about me", but I challenge you to take some of what their saying into consideration while you are out there in the dating world. Let me preface this video by saying every man is different and some things that bother one man, may not bother another man. This is simply a small sample from a few Christian brother's on what may be the reason why they haven't looked your direction.......

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.......Just a word of advice

The Truth About Sex

Now this is a subject that for some odd reason seems to be "taboo" among Christians. Most of us that grew up in church were given a very vague understanding of sex, and told simply "don't get pregnant outside marriage". Sadly, most parents get uncomfortable when talking about it and just hope that their kids won't think about sex until they are old enough to move out on their own. There are usually only 2 perspectives from which we learn about our sexuality, from a Christian perspective or from a worldly perspective, and unfortunately, especially in the black community, the latter of the two is usually the first that we are taught ( in detail). Yes, for Christians we know that you should not have sex outside of marriage because it sinful.....that's all we get....no explanation...just don't do it and you'll be on God's good side. Now imagine yourself again as a young teen, hormones raging, and someone tells you "just don't get pregnant or get someone pregnant" or "the bible says sex outside of marriage is a sin". As much as some parents thought that, that would scare their children into keeping their virginity, it only made most of us more curious. The worst part about it, is that there is MUCH more from the biblical perspective that we were not told, and I hope in this article I can break it down.

I am not a doctor or a biblical scholar, but I have come to learn some things that I wish they taught us in church.  Thankfully, I came from a home where my mother was mature enough to discuss sex with me from a Godly perspective without reservation. Although, I felt I was solid in my understanding, sex outside of marriage was much more serious than I thought.

Think about the Old Testament, and how God sealed covenants with man. Many of the covenants made in the bible where sealed with blood, including the crucifixion of Jesus with his blood being shed. There a various verses in the bible that you can look up to help you understand my point (Ex. 24:6-8, Zech. 9:9-11, Luke 22:20, Hebrews 9:16-22). What happened when Jesus died on the cross? His blood was shed, thus reconciling us to our father in heaven and creating a blood covenant. I am assuming that most people reading this are over the age of 18, so I am going to be graphic. When a man enters a woman for the first time sexually he breaks the hymen...and then what happens? Blood is shed and thus.... a covenant is made. You and that person have now become one flesh and your soul becomes intertwined. Marriage actually does not happen at the altar as some of us may believe, but it happens when you both have sex, (although that does not mean you and your boo can skip the altar. Nice try, but verbally vowing in front of witnesses is just as important. Jesus needed witnesses for His death, burial and resurrection). Sometimes we fail to realize the deep spiritual connection to the things we do, because we don't see immediate physical consequences. The devil works hard to keep our minds distracted from the very serious danger that goes far beyond getting pregnant or catching an STD. When you have allowed someone to enter one of the most ssacred places of your body, you are lessening its value, and you have now connected yourself to that person for life. LET ME ADD that if you have already lost your virginity, God is a forgiving God and you can still be restored. Don't let your past decisions haunt you for the rest of your life, and don't let ANYBODY hang it over your head. The Bible says "If any man be in Christ he is a NEW creature" meaning your old self is dead and gone and miles away in the sea of forgetfulness.

This article was not meant to guilt trip anyone, but simply to help you consider the importance of making a commitment to stay celibate until marriage. In a moment when you should be enjoying your (sexual) time with your mate, you should not have to spend time crossing your fingers that you won't get pregnant, or having to deal with heartbreak because you realized he is using you. Not to say these things cannot happen in marriage, but if you marry the right person the feeling of love, respect and honor go far beyond the physical. Let's be intentional about guarding one of the most precious gifts we have for the one we love.....Just a word of advice.

He loves me, He loves me not: How do I know if a Man is interested?

I been there sister girl!! I have had some serious heart aches behind trying to figure out if  a man was interested in me, busting my brain, and over analyzing every encounter only to get my feelings hurt. You all know that I am not afraid to be vulnerable in my articles because I know PLENTY of you have been, or are currently dealing with the same scenario, and I hope that I can offer some encouraging words to help you out.
Have you ever found yourself sitting on the phone with your homegirl, telling her about a guy you've been crushing on, trying to figure out if he likes you are not? The conversation usually goes like this "Girl, did you see ____. Do you think he likes me? He poured me some punch at the desert table today...." To which your homegirl replies "girl, he poured punch for everybody". Now that one might seem a little obvious, but what about the conversation that goes like this, "Girl, I don't know if ____has feelings for me or not. We always hang out together, stay up late talking on the phone, and I even cook for him sometimes. Should I ask him where we stand?". Before some of you start saying "that aint me. I can hang out with a guy without thinking anything more than what it is". Honey, when you like a man, I mean REALLY like him, if he scratches his head you hope that, that is a sign of him expressing his love for you. So many of us have had a man lead us on, only to feed his own ego as he fulfils his need to be  desired by multiple women.

Not to despair though ladies, I know how you feel and I have a solution. After being lead on, heart broken and deceived in my past I have realized that I don't have time to figure out if you like me romantically, because I like me. I have also realized when a man likes/loves you HE WILL MAKE IT KNOWN. When a man likes/loves you,  even if you can't see it the rest of the whole world can see it. He will most likely tell you his feelings to your face, or he will tell somebody else that is close to you. I have told my friends in the past, male and female, you should never have to coax someone into being in a relationship with you, to love you, or give them ultimatums.....why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who you had to convince to like/love you?  Do you happen to be in a situation where a person is leading you on, making you feel like they really like you, but when you present your feelings to them, they say "I'm just not ready to be in a committed relationship"? Understand that, that is cool if they admit that they are not ready for a committed relationship, but they should also understand "no we will not be going to the movies together solo, no I will not be cooking food for you, or staying up until 3am on the phone talking to you". You might be saying "Why so harsh Kara, he's still a good friend?" , my response to that is "HE IS BLOCKING" point blank and period(Let me also slide in here that this EXCLUDES people who have expressed mutual interest, and are "friends" trying to get to know each other with a possible future relationship in mind). What I mean by "blocking" is that he may be standing in the way of someone out there who IS ready to be in a relationship with you, but that person may think that you are already in a relationship with Mr "I'm not ready to be committed". Can you still be friends? Sure, with limitations, and if you are not looking for a relationship and you are just fine with hanging out 24/7 LIKE your in a relationship, by all means do your thing girl.

Finally, as I always say, I have been in plenty of situation where I have liked someone and the feelings were not reciprocated. It hurts, and I am not going to tell you to brush away your feelings for them because I know it isn' t easy, but please try your best not to give them so much of your mental energy. They may not have feelings for you the same way you have for them, but trust and believe SOMEBODY will love you, in fact somebody does love you and that's Jesus. I know it sounds corny, but a person's love for you should be a reflection of God's love for you (which is unconditional), and when you start focusing your energy on Jesus, only those who love Him too can reflect His love. Everyday when you get up in the morning, put your hand on your chest and say "I deserve to be loved"......Just a word of advice.

LAWD HAVE MERCY

Now we all know (and for those who don't) God is a merciful God ready to forgive the second we repent and ask Him. We know that God wants to see us prosper in our relationship with Him, and He is rooting for us to win and stay on the right track. Unfortunately, some Christians are not so loving and forgiving, and I think its about time we put this issue on FULL BLAST.

Too many times there are situations within the body of Christ, where I won't see a particular girl or guy for months at a time, the reason why is usually behind a sin that is visible to other church members (i.e. pregnancy, falling back in to old ways). Why are they hiding from church members? Because instead of us helping them to get back on the right track, we kick them while they are down, and usually they become the subject to our weekly gossip circles.

The most interesting thing is that some of us that were doing THE MOST (out in the world) and have now found Christ quickly forget that it was His grace and love that saved us. We are ready to act "super deep" and turn our noses to the sky because we got some Holy Ghost in us, and have a few bible verses memorized. Please don't mistake what I am saying as being ACCEPTING of sin, I simply mean that we have to help each other stay on track.

The best way for me to illustrate my point is through a race.  When we get saved we start running in the right direction together, sometimes someone beside you might trip up on something and fall, sometimes somebody beside you may not be drinking enough water (living water of the word) and may be a little dehydrated, sometimes some of us may be running but we have gained a little extra weight (baggage) and we are struggling a little bit. What I often see is the spiritually fit, running swiftly not caring about anybody else as they go. Even worse, when one falls, we abandon them as they sit there on the track with their face on the ground, contemplating turning back since they are so far behind.

 The most amazing thing I ever saw was a sprinter who fell during a race. He was dead last, and everyone had already finished the race. As he sat there with his head hung down, from the side line we see a man (who may have been his coach) run on to the track. Though it looked like he was going to help him to get off to the side, he took the sprinters arm, put it around his neck and helped him drag his exhausted body across the finish line. We are in this race together and we need each others help. I don't care how spiritually profound you are, at some point somebody has got to pray for you. When we see our brother or sister get knocked down by the devil, and their face is in the dirt we have to turn around, put their arm around our neck and tell them "Don't give up, we are going to make it to heaven together". Ultimately God is the one who restores, but He put his love inside of us so we can share it with our fellow human beings.

When that sister stops coming to church because she found out she is 3 months pregnant, put her arm around your neck. When that brother gets caught up in pornography addiction, and is too afraid to tell anyone put his arm around your neck. When one of us falls out of line, we should all shout "Man down, code red" and turn around and put their arm around our neck. Let's help each other be better Christians.....Just a word of advice.

LORD, SEND ME MY BOAZ!

Now I know some of you have prayed that prayer, even those of you who try to act like you're so tuff, and "don't need no man!". Some of us have been waiting a few years and I know it seems like he is nowhere in sight! Can I share something with you? I know how you feel! More importantly God knows how you feel.

When I was getting ready to start my freshman year at Liberty University(a Christian School), I was SURE I was going to meet my Boaz. There is no way that I could go to this school FULL of young handsome Christian men and not meet anyone. In my Freshman year.....I didn't meet anybody. I thought to myself, "well maybe because I'm new and just getting adjusted". In my sophomore year......nobody. I thought "maybe I've been too focused and need to get out in the social scene".In my junior year....NOBODY. I said "Am I ugly, I mean I bathe everyday and groom myself". Finally in my senior year I pannicked, HUGE MISTAKE ladies! Don't do anything out of fear, or you will live to regret it, (Tyrone down the street that has been trying to get with you for months IS NOT WORTH IT). I decided to date a guy that I thought was handsome and loved the Lord, but I knew that when I asked the Lord, I heard a big loud NO! Boyyyy, was that a heartache, not only for me, but for him. We got involved only to seperate once the year was over. After 4 years of college, I left Liberty University empty handed. After that experience I realized that it may be that God was "blocking" that whole time, maybe because He had a greater plan for me.

Ladies, I know some of you are saying "girl please, you were so young and I am pushing 40, 50 or even 60" but pay attention to the awesome things God is doing in your life because He sees what you can't see, and he may be protecting you from a WORLD of trouble. As much as I encourage you to be patient and wait on God, I have to keep it real and explain some things I think might be prolonging your wait.

First thing, STOP BEING THIRSTY. If you don't know what that means, in more correct terms it means desperate. I used to be #1 at being a DESERT type of thirsty, and it got me nowhere! Here are some ways to determine if you are thirsty: If you are the type of woman that scans the room everytime you walk in, overdress for casual events, have all your "goodies" on display, stand up and talk forever to a guy you like, especially when you see he is in a rush, YOU MIGHT BE THIRSTY.  Secondly, prepare yourself to be a wife. Practice keeping your house clean and learn to cook a "lil' sum sum", even if you don't believe in traditional roles it doesn't hurt. Don't think that once you are married these skills will magically appear. Third, maintain your natural beauty. As I have said in my previous article "Being Saved is NOT and Excuse to Look Raggedy", make sure you look presentable. Fourth, be open minded within the realms of Christianity. He may not be what you think is your type at first, but you could be passing up your future mate and best friend. Get over minor things like, his hight, skin complexion and other ridiculous stuff I have heard women overlook a guy for. Finally, SEEK GOD first ladies. Nothing is more attractive on both sides, male and female, to see an individual who is about God's business, and doesn't have time to sit in a corner and re-apply their lip gloss 500 times hoping they will get noticed.

God has a different plan for all of us, and maybe you have been doing the best you can. I pray that God opens the door for that right person for you, and that you will soon meet your "Boaz". In the meantime Don't try to do God's job. Almost 4 years out of college, the Lord brought a wonderful man of God in my life, and I am so glad that He didn't allow me to have my way. Do your thing, and don't be fretful about the lack of romance in your life. Take yourself out on dates, treat yourself to a good time, I did. When you learn how to love yourself and enjoy your own company, your Boaz might be right around the corner....just a word of advice

Being Saved is NOT an Excuse to Look RAGGEDY!

To my saved, sanctified and holy fellow ladies, I have a bone to pick with you. I understand you love the Lord with all your heart and you don't care about who is and who isn't looking at you, but PULEEZE put yourself together like you live somewhere, Mr.brush and Mrs.comb never did anything to hurt nobody!

I know that you may not have a lot of money, maybe you can't afford to go to the hairstylist and get your hair fried, died and layed to the side, but in your best efforts please look like Jesus changed your life for the better. If you can't see a stylist, but you got some skills, work it out or slap a cute wig on, and call it a DAY. It makes me sad to see sisters walking around toting their Bible, but looking a raggedy mess. I also understand our comfortable days(you don't have to look like you just stepped out of Vogue everyday) but make an effort to look presentable the best way you can. We are a representation of Christ and I know you all are sweethearts deep down inside, but unfortunately our human eyes see the outward appearance first, and not that precious little heart of yours. Looking good makes you feel confident, and we are ALL beautiful, perfectly crafted in the hands of God. Some of us unfortunately just haven't realized it yet.

For those of you who been praying for a husband, I'm about to get on you worse. C'mon girl, are you serious? Stop fooling yourself thinking, "Well God gonna make him see me for who I am inside" sorry baby, but NO! If you hadn't noticed in the Bible almost everytime a man is going to marry a woman they talk about how she LOOKS.... Don't believe me? read Esther 2:7-9 , Ruth 3:3, Genesis 29:17 just to name a few. Again, we are ALL beautiful, and I use these examples to illustrate that you have to take care of yourself as a woman and look your best. Remember not every guy likes the same thing, and your unique beauty (well maintained) will catch that right man's attention. If the barn needs painting, slap some paint on it (don't over do it), if you're thick and faboulous wear it well, but make sure you are healthy, and if your hair needs a little help, buy some gel and a ponytail weave and slap it in there.



Overall make sure when you step in the room you make a statement, (like the Jergens commerical) don't say "I am here, but say HERE I AM" .......just a word of advice

Missionary Relationships...Girl, You Know Better Than That!

There are probably a few of you saying "No don't go there!" or "stay out my business, you don't know how hard it is to find a man", WELL HONEY I DO. Before I was engaged, I was single for so long, I'm embarassed to tell you. I wasn't single because of lack of gentlemen interest, but because I was determined that I was going to marry a man of God. As I explained in one of my earlier articles "Singleness is not a Sickness or Disease" a Man-of-God is a man who not only attends church, and totes around a bible every now and then, but it is a man who is totally devoted to God, and who's life demonstrates that "he got some Jesus in him". Don't know what a missionary relationship is? It's when you, a saved, sanctified, Holy Ghost filled, FIRE baptized, woman of God finds yourself in a relationship with a man who only says "Jesus" when he's cussin'. Like I say in most of my articles, I'm never here to point the finger, the reason why I write these articles are from most of the mistakes I've made.

Can I ask a question that I've asked myself many times before? If you love God as much as you say you do, and He is first in your life, how can you connect yourself to someone who doesn't revere your God as anyone of great importance? And please don't think that you are so super deep that you can somehow pretend to be the Holy Spirit and save him. I will definitely witness to an unsaved guy, but I am NOT going to be in a relationship with you homie, SORRY!

Now, for those of you patting yourself on the back because your man says "Yeah girl, I believe in God" ummm, Demons believe in God too (Imjussayin'). The question is, does he obey God? To be quite honest, this one is a little hard to tell because some people can put up a good front when they are around you. In this instance you really have to ask the Lord for discernment. I remember when I used to tell guys I'm saved, they would say "yah girl me too" I would say, "oh ok, what church do you go to".......silence.....silence..."Well see I'm between churchs right now...I go to my grandmomma church sometimes....its called um...something with 'church' in it" . Now before you accuse me of JUDGING, he may be just as saved and going to heaven like me, but that doesn't mean we are equally yolked. His level of spiritual maturity may not match mine, which can cause major discord. Some examples of where it can become a problem in your relationship is when there are major decision that need spiritual guidance, or when he curses you out and feels no conviction, and in the case that you're not married he doesn't understand why or respect the fact that you won't sleep with him. Since he has no one to answer to he makes the rules of his own behavior. He also may not fully understand or care about the Godly principles of being a husband, and how to treat you as his wife. He is YOUR LEADER, and if your leader doesn't allow God to lead him, that spells trouble! Let me just make it clear though that I know women and men who have gotten saved after they were married and their partner didn't. According to the bible it is not grounds for divorce, so keep praying for them!

The bottom line that we all need to understand is DON'T GET ON ANYBODY'S SHIP (MAN) UNLESS JESUS IS THE CAPTAIN. Also, be patient and enjoy your life, God knows the desire of your heart. Ladies please keep your eyes open! Sometimes that man of God is sitting right in front of your face and you're too busy looking at "Mr.Smooth 'n' Cool" who has NO interest in you, that you fail to see your blessing......Just a word of advice